New Year Resolution . . . fail at 6 am

I ended 2018 with a plan.
I was going to wake up on January 1, get on the treadmill, lift some weights, meal prep some Keto recipes for the week ahead and go hard in 2019.

Yeah that didn’t happen.  


49213351_10156404765674425_8742573761150058496_nNot that I was hungover or anything like that, I actually thought about what the new year brings quite a bit when i was relaxing in my comfy bed at 9:45 (Yeah that’s right, 9:45 and I tapped out, it was -40 , we sure as hell weren’t going out)

What got me thinking was 2019 is supposed to be a year about me, looking after me and taking care of me. I’m a mom that suffers from the ‘Mom Guilt” I know I have to take care of me to be a good parent, blah blah blah, but i still feel the guilt. I cancelled my gym membership because they stopped having a kids program and I thought being away 3 to 4 times a week for a couple of hours wasn’t fair to Jack. This is the kind of thing i’m talking about, its more common than people think.

But, this year I am actively looking after myself. Im turning 40 for fuck sake.

I am planning a trip to Ireland because it’s where I’ve always wanted to go, something always got in the way before but this year, i’m going. I told Jason he can come with me, Jack can come with me, or they can both stay home – but I was going. So we are planning that one in a lifetime adventure and i’m stoked.

That of course turned into the overly pumped stereotypical new years attitude “woo hoo, i’m going to eat healthy, exercise hard core, going to be in the best shape of my life . . . . “ and really i was ready to go in full steam but then my thought pattern started changing.

Why am I stuck on this idea that taking care of me is all about what i eat and what i weigh? It shouldn’t be. Taking care of me should be about my physical AND spiritual AND mental well being.3a215c01a3209fbe35eec031d399be80--lion-king-quotes-lion-king-meme

So I changed what i’m doing this year, sort of.  Im making this year about me, it needs to be. I need to focus on my all over health, that being said, i’m not limiting it to just working out and what i eat. No no.  I’m going to give myself 30 minutes each day that’s just mine. Maybe i’ll read, maybe i’ll meditate (I know this is good for me, i’m going to d37d9ce447300784d0938f466025aefegive it another shot) maybe i’ll sit with my massage pillow and knit. Whatever it is, the door will be closed at it will be my time for me.  I haven’t decided if work out time will be considered me time or not. I’m thinking not.

That was a lot to think about while watching Netflix (to be fair, netflix has sucked lately so no surprise my thoughts drifted) and this morning when i woke up i felt the same. I started the year with some me time . . . . 30 minutes of writing this blog. I’ve always wanted to have a blog, i have some random thoughts on a daily but i’ve never given myself the time to actually have 0dd82b61d862b824261e9a89668752bdone.  Today I did. Today I started my year with doing something that makes me happy. I got a cup of coffee in my fancy new christmas mug and sat by myself and wrote.

I would like to think i’ll take 15 minutes every day and write about what I’ve been up to, everyday might be overkill to post, but that’s what draft status is for. Actually, that would have made keeping a blog a crap load easier, why didn’t i just write a little bit daily and then post once or twice a week? Genius. This is proof me time is beneficial, how else would i share my rambling thoughts??

Already I’m liking this year.

God damn 40th birthday though, ugh.

 

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Fitbit and Fat Fast

I’m ditching the fitbit.  In fairness it stopped working last week and I’ve been going back and forth about replacing it. Im learning I’m an impulse shopper – I’ll spend a whole lot of money with no second thought, but if I take 15 minutes to think about it, I’m cheap AF.

FITBIT1Money aside though, I started to think about why I really wanted it. Yes its good for tracking my sleep that’s initially why I got one and I really do enjoy the challenges between friends  . . . .

Here’s the thing that really stuck out to me though. I have been obsessing over the number of steps. I know its supposed to motivate you an all that jazz but I was starting to take it to a not-so-good place. I was actually getting upset when I didn’t make the step goal for the day and it turned into negative thoughts about myself. That’s just not good.

It’s weird how that can creep up on you without noticing it.  So there it is, the fitbit is gone. I mean really, I know how much I’m supposed to move each day. I know sitting on my ass on the couch all Sunday morning is not a great decision (Though sometimes it’s the best thing I can do for myself) so if I know where I should be at, why am I obsessing about a number?

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The other thing I’m doing is a fat fast. I’m giving this a whirl.  Ive stalled out on my weight loss which is weird because I still have  a lot more I can lose (talking 70 lbs here people)

Now, if I’m being honest, I’ve spent the last few weeks eating croissants on the weekend and chips a few evenings, baking cakes and eating icing . . . . so ok looking at that now its pretty obvious why the scale hasn’t moved.

However, I wanted to get rid of those cravings for carbs and specially the chips. My God how I love chips, its an addiction for real.

Have to say, its not been nearly as tough as I thought it would be. Maybe I’m more focused, but I’m saying its down to butter. Butter is amazing and I love it.

I’ve been following a fat fast menu for 3 days now and the cravings are nil, my energy is fine, I’ve been drinking a lot more water . . . . the fast is over tomorrow and I’ll go back on my keto eating but I think it will be easier to do now that I’ve done this.

imagesZ0QOV495I don’t recommend it for everyone of course. Do your research, actual research not just the ‘fat fast weight loss results’ YouTube where they tell you they dropped 5-8 lbs in 3 days.   Actually look into it.

On a side note – how have I missed the guilty pleasure TV of Naked and Afraid XL?? I’ve binged watched this damn show and I don’t even feel bad about it. I could totes survive in the wild . . . not the jungle though, there’s no way I could handle the ants and mosquitos. I’d tap out on day one.

Im 39 now . . . . WTF??

When did this happen? Honestly, i’m not sure when this happened. I still have a lot of days where I find myself shocked I’m allowed to be responsible for another human being . . . and pets . . . and a mortgage . . . .

It’s been almost a month since my birthday and I don’t know what it is about that number 39 but I’ve done more in the last month for my own health and mental health than I have in the last year. That’s good but sad to me at the same time.

I’ve committed to eating better and drinking more water (Coca Cola being referred to as ‘coke’ is no coincidence, that crap is addictive as F) and I’ve started working out 3-4 times a week, that’s not the part that is sad to me.  I’ve spent time reading books, not text books or anything like that, just books (Not going to lie, i’m only now getting around to Harry Potter series, don’t judge me!) I used to love reading and I havent spent the time on myself to just sit and read. Working out is done in the morning at 5 am, just because it’s quiet and its my time. I’ve gone camping with the family, even just as an over night but we’ve gone, we’ve shut off phones, we’ve not taken any computers, tablets etc.  I’ve loved it.  I’ve said No. That’s one I’m surprised took me so long to do. I’ve actually said no to people and plans, not because I was over booked but because I just wanted to relax.

How come it took me so damn long to get here? This is a really nice way to live . . . . You do You.  I’m looking forward to this year coming up . . . . but 40? F me . . . . at least i can look forward to travelling to Ireland for my 40th.

 

I’m so vain . . . .not really

The doubt and anticipation is being slowly chipped away.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but anytime I’ve started a weight loss journey (This isn’t all about weight loss, I needed to fix my insomnia first and foremost, and overall health . . . but that included weight loss) I’ve always had this anticipation of that first time some one noticed.

How long was it going to take?? I saw the scale move but no one seemed to notice. I read somewhere that people don’t really notice until you’ve lost 10% of your body weight. To date I’ve lost a bit more than 10%, 27 lbs in total.

The first time someone mentioned it, I more or less brushed it off because we are doing a biggest loser competition at work and they knew I was in it – so maybe this was just a supportive ‘keep it up’ kind of thing.

Then someone else mentioned it . . . . then another . . . . and today another.

I’m loving that people are noticing. I mean I’ve noticed it in the amount of sleep I get, in my clothes fitting differently (One MAJOR thing for me was my scout leader uniform no longer making me feel uncomfortable from being tight around my hips, that was hug for me) I’ve heard some people say you shouldn’t put so much emphasis on how you look and if other people notice and maybe that’s true but damn it I like that people have noticed. I like having a compliment and actually being able to accept it at face value, no more undermining or diminishing it.

Im trying to remember that everything is going in the right direction as I sit at my desk at home, sick, missing the most beautiful day of the year  . . . . and trying to not eat all the left overs in the fridge . . . . with extra queso dip . . . . . and crackers.

Netflix – Magic Pill

Magic Pill

I don’t even know where to start. I watched it this morning just randomly, hadn’t heard anything about it before, wasn’t expecting it to come into my netflix feed or anything like that. It was just there.  The last few days I’ve been really paying attention to how my body is reacting to things and having those non scale victories giving me that little bit of confirmation that this is the right lifestyle for me . . . . then this played
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Mind. Blown.

Honestly, everything I have worked through in my own mind about why a Keto life makes sense to me was addressed in this documentary. Everything.  Right down to the cycle of life and how we are meant to be part of it not manipulate it. Nature knows better than we do, lets be real about that.  We are never going to find health and balance by changing the natural order of life. That’s a rant for another day.

But there was tangible, physical evidence of the benefit of this way of eating. Diabetics, autistic children,  Alzheimer, cancer  . . . . don ‘t get it twisted i’m not saying this is a be all end all cure for everything, not at all. What this did show was the why, the how. Why does this work? Because it’s how mankind thrived for hundreds and hundreds of generations.

One point that really stuck out to me that I will be using when people decide to give me advice on not eating those fabulous grains  . . . .  Cows are fed a grain diet to do what? Fatten them up quickly and send them to slaughter.  Pigs, chickens, ducks . . . . all the same. They are fed a diet to make them fat, and we expect that we are somehow immune to that?

And vegetarian/vegans that argue about not consuming animals for any reason (I’m not calling vegetarians or vegans bad – you do you and let me do me) I wonder how many of them feed their plants or eat plants that have been fertilised with blood or bone meal . . . or how many of them actually try to find out about that.  Life Cycle.

Think about it.

Watch it. Its great.

Damn Nachos

I was on the right path, I was feeling good about my choices, I was seeing noticeable differences in what I craved, when I craved, when I was hungry . . . . and then game 5 hit and I thought Meh, I’ll have a night off, it wont be so bad, everything else is on point except the damn nacho chips.

Those bastards really pack a punch when you haven’t eaten grains in a weeks.

25 pounds down this year . . . and 5 came back from one night of Nachos.

I’d do it again.

Nachos-with-beans-and-chorizo

And why? Because I know I can. I know from past experience saying “I can’t have this or that” is a sure fire way to binge on it and fail at whatever eating style you are trying to make habit. I’ve changed my mental game to “I can have that, but is it worth it?” 99% of the time the answer is no.

When its game 5 of the playoff series and your Jets are up 3 games to 1, you’re all around the TV watching the game in your “We Are Winnipeg #Winipegwhiteout” shirts . . . making nachos is worth it.

You know what the amazing thing is to me? I am actually ok with it. I don’t feel guilt, maxresdefaultI don’t feel ashamed, its humorous in a way that the corn chips can pack on 5 lbs (Im pretty sure I didn’t eat 5 lbs of nachos . . . but I could be wrong, it was good game, what can I say) whiteoutI had a great night with my hubs and kid, we got excited, we yelled at the ref’s, we cheered when we scored and we high fived when we won.  I challenge any city to love their team more than we do. We know how it feels to lose them and we know how it feels to earn them back.

That being said . . . I don’t know that nachos will be on the menu for the next round unless I’m making my own chips or using pork rinds . . . . and damn it I had pork rinds in the house.

I regret nothing.

Life happens. I wont be perfect. But I can be consistent. This is what I learned.

This is a big non scale victory for me. Keto is changing more than my waist line it seems.

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The mental game . . . not such a game

I finally took some time off from work and I had so many plans for what i was going to do with those 2 weeks. I was going to do so much meal prep, catch up on some reading, do some studying, make a work out schedule for myself, get back into the gym, clear the house of clutter etc etc etc.

None of that happened. Absolutely none of it. I was in complete denial about how stressed I had let myself get. A year with out a proper vacation and I had myself in so many knots I could barely think straight.

10 days I spent doing little more than sleep and watch bad TV.  That’s all I could muster myself to do. I didn’t have the energy or the desire to do anything, literally anything.

It took that long until I actually felt better, until I woke up in the morning and didn’t have to give myself a pep talk to get out of bed. It’s insane.

So, for the rest of the time off, the whole 5 days, I didn’t do anything else on my list. And I didn’t because I needed to give time to ME, to do what I wanted, what I felt like, what I needed.

I did not realise how utterly important it is to take care of yourself. No wonder my physical health was terrible, my mental health was non existent practically.  There is no way to be healthy without getting your mind right first. Its not a game of course, its how you’ll end up living your life, what kind of life that will be.

These 2 weeks may have been more than what i needed, more than what I knew i needed anyway. Starting from the head and moving down.  It’s made a difference in my eating and I’ve even been getting back into working out in the mornings. I’ve accepted that I can’t just pick up where I left off, and that’s ok. I’m not continuing on like I took a 2 week hiatus. I have to learn what my body can do now before I know how far I can safely push it.

It’s forgiveness that has been the big thing I’ve learned. Forgiving myself. Im not a failure because I gained the weight back, I’m not a bad mom if I take the time to myself to work out. Im not ruining my eating plan if I eat a handful of potato chips or have a piece of birthday cake . . . . I’m only going to be a failure if I quit and let that little voice telling me I can’t do it determine if I try or not.

2 weeks . . . . what an enlightening 2 weeks it’s been by doing nothing at all that I had planned to do.