I’m tired . . .

tired of being fat, tired of wishing I hadn’t fallen off the wagon, tired of making excuses for why I fell off. Tired of hating my body, tired of not being kind to myself.  Tired of feeling like a disappointment to myself, to my son, to my husband. I’m tired of pretending i’m ok with the way things are. I’m tired of lying to myself. I’m tired of hiding behind my fear of failing again to even begin.

It’s hard to be honest with yourself, really really honest. I don’t want to be like this anymore but I have to admit that I have an issue with food. I binge eat. That’s the truth of it. I can’t pretend I don’t, I can’t pretend I am not doing it just because someone else doesn’t see me. That’s it. That’s my reality. I don’t know how to be in control of what I am eating and what’s eating me.

Why do I fixate on the food that i am not eating? Why is it that i can be thinking about an item of food, a common, everyday item and feel like it’ll disappear for ever if I don’t eat it right way? Why is it so hard for me to say “no, i don’t need to eat now, it will be here tomorrow”

Its not a fun way to live. It’s a self destructive way to live. I’ve tried so many fad’s, so many eating plans, and they all fail. The whole30 I did gave me some promise, I was eating healthy, I was making better choices. But one cokezero later and and it’s all down hill.

I think I’ve found what works for me, I actually like eating healthy food and I know that the junk makes me feel like shit – but moderation is what I’m learning. Slowly, but I’m learning.

The more difficult thing I have to learn is forgiving myself and loving myself, being kind to myself. Being honest with myself. Part of that is going to be holding myself accountable.

I’ve gained back the 85 lbs I lost. All of it. It’s not ok, but I know I didn’t make a lifestyle change, I dieted. I can’t do that again, I have to change my life if I want a better one.

I’ve started to let it get in my way of having a life . . . I can’t keep doing that. It ends now.

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